4/5/2010 - High on Bozeman

Parked in a window seat with the window wide open (no screen even), the cool air sweeps around my hot skin like love. I listen. So many clicks and peeps and hums and vibrations and pops and drips and drops and coos and quacks and move-yer-feeeeeeets and honks. How could I have gotten so lucky? How come everyone is not here in this windowseat right now? Or are they? I close my eyes and bring them.

Later:

My journal prompt asks me to write about what I'm afraid of and about coming back from despair, heartache, trauma… writing about old dramas and fear bores me tonight. I am in a bubble of love and want only to stay here. Right here. In this little bed under this sweet windowseat in this comfortable home that holds my sister friends and nephew friends and Bellalicious and sister's friend in Bozeman, Montana, on this beautiful day.

Things I was afraid of today:

1. ________________________
2. ________________________
3. ________________________
4. ________________________
5. ________________________

4/4/2010 - How I Disappear & If I Was Wholly Here

My favorite way to disappear is to walk. I walk as long as I want, as slow or fast as I want, wherever I want to the Good Stuff playlist on my iPod. I can disappear in a crowd or at a party pretty easily just by really listening and paying attention to everyone and everything else. I like to meditate, but I don't think I know what I'm doing yet. I can also disappear into a notebook, a novel, a creative project, or, when I'm super lazy, the TV.

If I was wholly here: I would be practicing and teaching raised consciousness and awareness. I would stop trying to fit my round shape into the square hole that is public education. I would sell my house and buy THE FARM with Jenny. I would spend the rest of my nows manifesting joy and modeling peace. I would become a leader and follower of non-separatist spirituality. I would almost always walk with my arms spread out like airplane wings. I would train raptors to land on my arm. I would never be afraid again. I would write books and songs and poetry. I would own horses and golf carts and many scooters with awesome helmets. I would design awesome helmets with matching goggles. I would talk to and listen to more people. I would never feel pain. I would live forever and fall more and more in love with life every moment of forever. I would throw my cellphone into an active volcano as I helicoptered over it. I would throw my judgement in there with it. I would grow my own food and flowers and raise my own meat.  I would learn and understand the ways of nature. I would forget everything.