4/6/2010 - Venting About Venting.

My writing challenge is to rant and rave today…to let it all out without holding back…without trying to "behave." I really don't want to rant and rave unless it's about how great someone or something is. I was just having a discussion about the dysfunction of venting with my sisters. If we imagine our own suffering (which I believe we do) and manifest our own joy (which I KNOW we do), why would we give time and energy to anger and pain and frustration? All the great venters in my life seem miserable. They only seem satisfied when they have a hundred things to vent about. Who wants to be around that? I don't want to be the validator of your invented issues. I certainly don't want anyone validating my own whinings when I get stuck in a pity-rut. Gross. Slap me with a sandwich and walk away from my sorry self. Then I will have to choose… to stay in my self-created darkness alone, or to move into that fabulous light of present moment joy. I've often made a habbit of pouting and complaining, getting angry over things I can't control, but I get stuck in it less and less often. My time in that space is shinking fantastically.  I am able, so much more often now, to see it for what it is and make a different choice. I will choose joy…over and over as long as I am awake enough to see how to get there… I will choose love, and self-care, and calm. There really is not enough time for ranting and raving… even if we are here forever.

4/5/2010 - High on Bozeman

Parked in a window seat with the window wide open (no screen even), the cool air sweeps around my hot skin like love. I listen. So many clicks and peeps and hums and vibrations and pops and drips and drops and coos and quacks and move-yer-feeeeeeets and honks. How could I have gotten so lucky? How come everyone is not here in this windowseat right now? Or are they? I close my eyes and bring them.

Later:

My journal prompt asks me to write about what I'm afraid of and about coming back from despair, heartache, trauma… writing about old dramas and fear bores me tonight. I am in a bubble of love and want only to stay here. Right here. In this little bed under this sweet windowseat in this comfortable home that holds my sister friends and nephew friends and Bellalicious and sister's friend in Bozeman, Montana, on this beautiful day.

Things I was afraid of today:

1. ________________________
2. ________________________
3. ________________________
4. ________________________
5. ________________________

4/4/2010 - How I Disappear & If I Was Wholly Here

My favorite way to disappear is to walk. I walk as long as I want, as slow or fast as I want, wherever I want to the Good Stuff playlist on my iPod. I can disappear in a crowd or at a party pretty easily just by really listening and paying attention to everyone and everything else. I like to meditate, but I don't think I know what I'm doing yet. I can also disappear into a notebook, a novel, a creative project, or, when I'm super lazy, the TV.

If I was wholly here: I would be practicing and teaching raised consciousness and awareness. I would stop trying to fit my round shape into the square hole that is public education. I would sell my house and buy THE FARM with Jenny. I would spend the rest of my nows manifesting joy and modeling peace. I would become a leader and follower of non-separatist spirituality. I would almost always walk with my arms spread out like airplane wings. I would train raptors to land on my arm. I would never be afraid again. I would write books and songs and poetry. I would own horses and golf carts and many scooters with awesome helmets. I would design awesome helmets with matching goggles. I would talk to and listen to more people. I would never feel pain. I would live forever and fall more and more in love with life every moment of forever. I would throw my cellphone into an active volcano as I helicoptered over it. I would throw my judgement in there with it. I would grow my own food and flowers and raise my own meat.  I would learn and understand the ways of nature. I would forget everything.

4/04/2010 - Listing What's Positive

Things I do right:

I take ownership when I fuck up. I try to make amends.
I can forgive the unforgivable, and I do. Sometimes.
I know that when I hurt someone else, I hurt myself.
I love gently and openly and wholly, but I do not give myself away. I have learned not to sacrifice my own happiness in order to make someone I love more comfortable in their disfunctions.
I am flexible - way more so as a woman than as a girl (in mind) and less so (in body).
I have a sense of humor.
I'm kind of funny.
I love beng around funny people and honoring their ability to lighten the world around them.
I ENJOY LIFE! PERIOD.
I am learning to find joy inside every now.
I can see so much beauty in so many different places, and I can let those beauties overwhelm me sometimes to tears.
I am thankful.
I know how to pick friends.
I am truthful.
I fight consciously and relentlessly to live in integrity.
I have solid work ethics.
I also know work is not the only thing I value.
I travel well.
I can express myself well in person, better in writing, and a little in art.
I usually have a healthy sense of humility.
I can count my blessings, and I cannot count my blessings.
I appreciate my connection to everything, even if I don't always understand it.