Dave Matthews Band's Sister is playing, filling my heart with thoughts of Renee and Jen, and the magic of truth, and love within that truth, they bring into my life. I am really, deeply cherishing my bond and relationships with both of them.
Colleen and I have severed our sister-bond, partly unintentionally, but if I am being honest, there is some intention there on both our parts. She has (or I always allow her to have) a draining effect on me. I am impatient with her self-pity, and I am not so gentle anymore when I feel my own beautiful life threatned by her "nobody loves me," and "everything goes wrong for me" dedications. This is cold, I guess, but I tried warm and caring and dropping everything to listen or rescue or give advice, but none of it ever worked for either of us. It fed her depression, I think, and fed my ego that loved being needed by my older, once awesomely independent, sister. Oh yeah, my ego ate that shit up. But it crushed my heart and spirit and my respect for Colleen. So I began getting real honest about my own feelings with her when we were together or on the phone, and, eventually, she stopped calling, and I stopped reaching out. I don't feel as bad about that as some part of me thinks I should. What part is that? The ego? My learned beliefs? My mom? My soul? Not sure. Am I becoming cold or cruel? Or am I learning to love and care for the ONLY entity I can have real progress with? The only soul I can work to enlighten and inspire to be better? Are we supposed to be selfish? And isn't it selfish to indulge our egos by going all daintily around people, thinking we are superior and can invoke some kind of change in them by giving them energy and money and "understanding"? Or is it selfish to avoid getting involved in the struggles of others, to focus your time and money and energy and understanding on being your best self, on being happy and content in your own life, therefore adding more happiness to the world and, in turn, not burdening others by expecting them to fulfill some perceived need? Is there a balance somewhere? Should there be?
Then, there's Wendi, my only little sister, who has such a powerful aversion to me right now that she has forbidden me to spend a single second with her boys, who I love and miss and choose to suffer over daily. She actually asked for my honesty and, apparently, did not appreciate it. It was Wendi who taught me to be so honest...to lay it out straight and direct to the person to whom it belongs (not to everyone else in your universe except that person - which is the family way). Should we hold back our own truths so others can be comfortable in their dysfunctions? Or be honest and possibly push them away?
I want joy. I want to bring joy as often as possible, wherever I go. When I am being an asshole, I want the truth from my people. I may not appreciate it up front, but if it helps me grow into a better person (when I give up being angry), then it will be worth more than all the best riches. I am lucky to have a few people in my life who have smacked me hard with the cold hand of truth. I am noticing more and more, the people who I attract are those who I never have to wonder what they think of me. They will always give it to me straight.
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I like this entry because it shows where I was growing...and where I was still stuck. Since this was written, many things have changed, and some have not at all. But I have. And thanks to the truth and to all the ways in which it is revealed, I will continue to change.
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