74 degrees. Sunny. I'm sitting outside Rush Hospital Professional Building waiting for mom's urology appt to be over. The smell of this day alone is enough to fill me with God. Mom is getting her dialysis port redone. It's taking longer than expected, and I am taking advantage of the time the wait is giving me to be outside in this day.
I talked to Zack yesterday. He sounds great. He talked so nice about Bob and how Bob has been great to talk to lately. I also took the twins to Aurelios with Dana and Sarah. That was something special. Kody said he's been feeling "really peaceful and Zen lately."
I just caught a whiff of Polish hot dog with onion. Oh, lord, that smells delicious. I am in love with this moment. The world and its people around me are aligning, as usual, with the sassy French music on my iPod. It is downright adorable. It kinda looks like this: walk, walk, walk, -- sit and put some makeup on in a pretty ruffly white blouse, -- chitter, chatter, giggle, -- walk, walk, walk -- look up at the birds flying by -- take a bite of fruit-in-a-cup -- breeze blows bangs to the side and straightens them out again -- walk, walk, walk -- smile -- hard hat guy less stressed on this God Day -- shade your eyes and look at something -- hair bouncing and flowing -- walk, walk, walk in twos and threes and onsies, tinies and talls -- doctor smocks and pretty lips and my shoe sticking out, wiggling to each new beat in my lucky ears. Fill me with your grace. You fill me, and I will try to be aware of everything you show me.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
February 5 thru 15, 2009 - The Blessings Around the Tragedy
2/5
Rush Hospital ER with Mom. Her potassium is too high. Renal Failure. I'm missing parent/teacher conferences. We are waiting for a bed in the main hospital. Her muscles in back of her neck, tailbone, and butt keep spasming...around her ears, too. The heart seems to be ok. Very low pulse. She does well with some poking and prodding. She only does the heartbreaking, moaning thing when her muscles or her tummy cramps up. She is a warrior. Tonight I feel silently connected to her.
ER to ICU. I let Dad drive me crazy with talk of his hospital stay in Luisiana and then his blatent nurse stalking even as mom struggles beside him. Ugh. We are there from 5 til 11ish. Mom is so sick, and we are a little scared.
_______________
2/6 & 2/7
At Jen and Joe's B & B. I got to walk yesterday and today. It's been sunny and warmer. 60s today. I took the last of my bags of change to the bank to pay off part of those plane tickets to see Renee and meet Isabella. Then I went for one of those long walks where it occurs to me that it feels inside me like I'm taking God out for a walk...for a new experience or just to take it all in...what we do, how we live, what it feels like to feel a breeze on our face, what a bright red cardinal looks like against a clear blue sky, see the man playing his harmonica while pacing in front of that house, notice how folks decorate their windows and porches and back yards...we watch squirrels build their tree complexes, we watch leaves dance and run, bouncing and spinning to the music we are listening to on Nano...we laugh out loud when splashed with muck from an over zealous St. Bernard and his Sheepdog buddy. The muck is beautiful, and it reminds us of those early Spring days that carry a special kind of freedom that promises even greater freedom in days to come. It makes us think about those walking days that preceded our driving days that ended our walking days...until now... These walks make me, make us, clear out the fear and saddness and make us ready to go back to mom.
Jen and I go to see mom at 3. Mom wants fruit, so I packed her some strawberries, pear, grapes, and a rice pudding snack pack. She was not talking much - very tired and seemed out-of-it. We finally got her eating, and not long after, she was full of life and laughter...out-loud-big-ole-laughs from her belly. That's when I stopped being scared. It was very hard to leave her.
_______________
2/11
Miracles that came to be since mom went to the hospital:
Rush Hospital ER with Mom. Her potassium is too high. Renal Failure. I'm missing parent/teacher conferences. We are waiting for a bed in the main hospital. Her muscles in back of her neck, tailbone, and butt keep spasming...around her ears, too. The heart seems to be ok. Very low pulse. She does well with some poking and prodding. She only does the heartbreaking, moaning thing when her muscles or her tummy cramps up. She is a warrior. Tonight I feel silently connected to her.
ER to ICU. I let Dad drive me crazy with talk of his hospital stay in Luisiana and then his blatent nurse stalking even as mom struggles beside him. Ugh. We are there from 5 til 11ish. Mom is so sick, and we are a little scared.
_______________
2/6 & 2/7
At Jen and Joe's B & B. I got to walk yesterday and today. It's been sunny and warmer. 60s today. I took the last of my bags of change to the bank to pay off part of those plane tickets to see Renee and meet Isabella. Then I went for one of those long walks where it occurs to me that it feels inside me like I'm taking God out for a walk...for a new experience or just to take it all in...what we do, how we live, what it feels like to feel a breeze on our face, what a bright red cardinal looks like against a clear blue sky, see the man playing his harmonica while pacing in front of that house, notice how folks decorate their windows and porches and back yards...we watch squirrels build their tree complexes, we watch leaves dance and run, bouncing and spinning to the music we are listening to on Nano...we laugh out loud when splashed with muck from an over zealous St. Bernard and his Sheepdog buddy. The muck is beautiful, and it reminds us of those early Spring days that carry a special kind of freedom that promises even greater freedom in days to come. It makes us think about those walking days that preceded our driving days that ended our walking days...until now... These walks make me, make us, clear out the fear and saddness and make us ready to go back to mom.
Jen and I go to see mom at 3. Mom wants fruit, so I packed her some strawberries, pear, grapes, and a rice pudding snack pack. She was not talking much - very tired and seemed out-of-it. We finally got her eating, and not long after, she was full of life and laughter...out-loud-big-ole-laughs from her belly. That's when I stopped being scared. It was very hard to leave her.
_______________
2/11
Miracles that came to be since mom went to the hospital:
- baby Bella arrives from Port Townsend and mom gets to meet and kiss and hug and smell her first Great Grandbaby.
- Quadruple sister power fills our world with love.
- Dana gets hired and gets $$ for doing what she was made to do.
- Of their own volition, third period prays for my mother in a great, gentle circle of love and light, and then they pray no one finds out we prayed in school.
- Dr. Tez comes to town to heal and delight everyone around him.
- Wendi rediscovers how very much she loves and needs momma.
- Jenny lives out her dream of being a ballerina in a grand room 748 performance.
- Danielle gets to see Renee's roots and gain some love and understanding.
- We get to see Nick as a beautiful daddy...filled to overflowing.
- Mom gets her sister back.
- Steven finds a new calling as caretaker.
- Mom's procrastination with dialysis turns out to be the best thing because the cancer was discovered and dealt with. That would not have happened in a non-emergency situation. Whew.
- Mom finds friendship with Dr. Rodby is recipricol.
- Bob's heart opens up and he graciously takes care of all the quiet background stuff at our now crowded house, and he learns (I think) that having a full house can be tolerable, and even kinda fun.
- Mom and Renee witness Bob's sweetness and see more clearly how and why I love him so.
______________
2/15
"Bob made Pomodoro Primevera and it was Popovichalicious!" ~Renee on the phone, to Jenny
Saturday, September 8, 2012
January 31, 2009 - Birthday Weekend
Leg 1 - Popolano's in Chesterton for Bloody Marys and the Giant Doughy Cheese Weinie. It is Birthday-girl weekend and Justin the bartender is treating us fabulously. We are downright silly and there is no other moment more important than this one we are in right now.
Leg 2 - Drunken shopping. I practice not buying anything. I was awesome!
Leg 3 - Danny O's for more drinking and pool playing. It was super GROSS smelling...smokey yuckiness. I go for a walk. I am happy with myself for listening to my body. I fell in love with a ribbon twisting and dancing in a slow sunny winter breeze.
Leg 4 - Liquor store - Franzenskaner and other necessities - more utter silliness.
Leg 5 - Spring House Inn to wait for Wendi. Sheryl, Laura, and Jessica pick up Wagners. We eat and enjoy and laugh and enjoy.
Leg 6 - Drunken-fireplace-storytelling-fun ensues while the girls take turns getting Birthday massages. Every moment is exactly perfect. Wendi is exceptionally, hysterically, lewdly entertaining.
In the morning I pack up my car and take a stroll around the grounds. The birds are all out - the Cardinal, the Woodpecker, a variety of chatty chirpers, and one lone goose crying out in desperation...as though left behind. I cry. It is beautifully sad. I am full of gratitude for my flock all around me.
Leg 2 - Drunken shopping. I practice not buying anything. I was awesome!
Leg 3 - Danny O's for more drinking and pool playing. It was super GROSS smelling...smokey yuckiness. I go for a walk. I am happy with myself for listening to my body. I fell in love with a ribbon twisting and dancing in a slow sunny winter breeze.
Leg 4 - Liquor store - Franzenskaner and other necessities - more utter silliness.
Leg 5 - Spring House Inn to wait for Wendi. Sheryl, Laura, and Jessica pick up Wagners. We eat and enjoy and laugh and enjoy.
Leg 6 - Drunken-fireplace-storytelling-fun ensues while the girls take turns getting Birthday massages. Every moment is exactly perfect. Wendi is exceptionally, hysterically, lewdly entertaining.
In the morning I pack up my car and take a stroll around the grounds. The birds are all out - the Cardinal, the Woodpecker, a variety of chatty chirpers, and one lone goose crying out in desperation...as though left behind. I cry. It is beautifully sad. I am full of gratitude for my flock all around me.
Monday, September 3, 2012
January 26 & 30, 2009 - The Push and The Pull
Today I reserved 6 flights to Seattle so we can go meet Little Miss Isabella Luna, who was born two nights ago. I love her so much already, and I am BURSTING with good looking-forward-osity. So far it looks like Mom, Wendi, her 3 boys, Jen, Shan, Zack, Heather, Renee, Nick, Danielle, and Steve will all be spending 3 nights at Crescent Lake (the place that calls my soul) to bask in new baby joy!--- Mom, Wendi and boys did not end up going. There will be more to come on this glorious adventure.
I am in love with this human experience - even when I'm at a BORED meeting. Bob is at home making lasagna as I sit here listing my joys instead of getting aggravated. I need to find ways to love him better. I also noticed today that I better drop my icky uneasiness about a couple of my classes. They feel it, and it is beneath my capacity for love.
A few days later -
At Aurelios - dropping off notebooks for Dana to grade. She is all gooey with love and adventure and plans for the future. She is glowing and spilling over with I-miss-you-alreadys for her California Dream. So so so sweet. I can't stay sad that she is leaving for long.
p.s. I am falling in teacher-love with my students again -- even the ones who challenge me, and the ones who get all sassy, and the cheat-sheeters, and those quiet withdrawn ones, and the ones who never stop talking or singing or "crackin" or tapping. I just love them and all their securities and insecurities, their dramas and isms and hang ups, all their tries and their give-ups, and put downs and lift ups. They fill me up and fill my life up with interest and challenge and amazing young-people-magic. I am so lucky to be so right-where-I'm-supposed-to-be.
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