Break, Damnit!

12/19/2006

I suck today.  I am crabby and wound way tight, and I can't wait until Friday.  Two weeks of letting go.  I want to work somewhere else.  Far.
____________________________
*This was mid negotiations, mid evening-parent-meetings, mid union-parties-some-members-attended-just-to-complain-about-everything, mid mid-terms-and-student-stress, mid I-have-no-time-for-all-the-joy-everyone-else-seems-to-be-having, mid political-action-to-save-our-pensions-and-school-funding-and-tenure-and-etc, mid blizzards-that-caused-my-little-toyota-to-slide-and-spin-all-over-roads-til-I-had-to-call-Bob-to-come-and-collect-me-in-his-jeep.  


I often used up chunks of my beautiful life hoping for some future time so I could rest.  I did not allow myself breaks for weeks.  It was as if I believed I was only allowed a break during time designated for such: Christmas break or Spring break or Summer break, and often even those times were used for my graduate classwork. 

I can now catch myself missing time on as I am looking too forward to time off.  (Not always, but certainly more than when these were written.)  I am also learning to say no to doing things that cause anxiety and resistance inside me.  This has made an amazing difference in my level of happiness and in the levels of joy I am able to create at my job and everywhere else.  I give credit for this joy-giving practice to several conscious choices:

1. opting out of school politics

2. only trying to fix myself

3. focusing on what is awesome

4. reading books that lift me up

5. spending spare time with those who bring me joy

6. doing more of what I love
____________________________
Back to 2006- Christmas Eve

I've already shed about 2 or 3 layers of stress build-up.  I can physically feel them pull off me.  Then they drag behind me sometimes, and people can trip on them if they follow too close.  So I turn around and kick them off - breaking that last, weak connection, and it kind of wants to hurt and pretends it's going to (like a threat) and then, it falls off and I go, "aahhhh," and smile with little pools of relief and joy in my eyes.  I immediately want to call someone who I've neglected or taken for granted and tell them how beautiful they are.

I just bought a new journal to put in my stocking.  I am feeling a little bruised that there is nothing in my stocking yet, and Bob's and Zack's are spilling over.  It is so dumb that I even care.  I don't fill theirs in order to get mine filled.  I guess I need to look at all the other ways they think of me.  Maybe they don't know what to put in it.

Here are some things I would love to find in my stocking in case they are looking for clues in my journal:


stickers
pens
gift cards
markers
coloring book for grown ups
fat quarters
quilting markers
needles
beads
books
stamps
homemade silly love coupons
_____________________________
12/23/2006 - Later

Sitting near my mother's tree in the room that holds all of my Christmas past - Shannon's pumpkin pie is being served - momma is so sick - she sits in her spot fighting back her constant cough - the blanket I wrapped around her earlier still warming her - I see an ornament  she made when I was small - I take it from its branch and study the little paper-tolled winter scene - I want to keep it and every year pull it from its ten month hibernation and remember my clever mother sitting with her friends in this room, their greeting cards, scissors, and strange smelling glue all over the card table - creating another dimension.

_____________________________
*What are some choices you can make in your own life that would increase your capacity for giving and receiving JOY?  And speaking of you, thank you for reading these.  Although my higher self would write and write no matter who was paying attention (because big ME enjoys the process), my ego (little me) loves having an audience, and finds great joy in knowing you're out there.