Sometimes people are mean. How does one go about growing a thicker skin? Is there some kind of lotion I could use? Or a class I could attend? Some mean people have no power over me, but the people who I've grown to trust and care about, when they bite, even just a little...my skin just tears away. Yet, I do not protect myself, I never stop allowing my skin to be exposed. I must want to be vulnerable. I must enjoy being ripped apart. Why the hell do I let it happen? Over dumb little stuff too, like, "I consider this one to be a flea." Well, aren't you the expert on knowing what's what? Did you forget, though, that I am not? That I am an infant when it comes to this kind of work, and I need just a little reassurance? I feel like a child with emotionally unavailable parents. I can't even blame them. They should be unavailable---they've been beat up and lied to and shit on. Maybe they think I'm an idiot. Maybe they don't trust me all of a sudden. Am I untrustworthy? The "dim" light? The big joke? I only want to be decent and do the next right thing. Am I too dependent? Not dependent enough? Paranoid? I want to go home and hug Zack and be nice to Bob and stare at my tulips and maybe call mom and then watch some senseless TV show and go to bed early with Bob and Moon and Kayto....but I won't do that. I will go before the Board with people who bite---to pretend I am confident, and say something nice---with anxiety creating more havoc inside my body... maybe even making some cancer---so that my colleagues can all go home and do whatever they want. Where is my period???? Did this new anxiety feed on that? I am 21 days late today.
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Special notes:
1. No, I was not pregnant. It is my firm belief that the presidency sent me into early menopause of which (albeit not the healthiest of things to happen to a person) today, I am quite happy about.
2. The journey to find one's joy is not always magic castles and seasides.
3. These tougher times are the moments we learn the most about what we do not want in our lives.
4. My gratitude for people who do the work of union leadership is immense, and this understanding often brings me joy when I think of those people who have been and are still willing to do these jobs.
5. If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone.
I so agree with number three. And in terms of number two, it reminds me of a line from a song. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along. Glad you made it through the tough times.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and posting comments, Ter. We are in even tougher times, now, but I am not in (any kind of) charge. Now, I'm a soldier. It's where I am happiest, even if I am pretty good at the other stuff. I want to choose joy.
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