1/16/10 - My Worst Critics

My sister Renee called me a self-righteous cunt and threw a cup at me when I was in college. The words stung way worse than the cup, and I know exactly why...it was often very true. I love being right and knowing it all, and I try pretty hard to do the right thing...but it's my idea of what right is. I have such strong and stubborn convictions about some things. Historically, I've not taken criticism well, but I admire the hell out of people who can. I am just now, at 41, learning to listen with interest to advice, criticism, and new ideas. I am aware of my need to practice holding back my compulsion to always give advice. Making this conscious effort helps me hear myself when I'm being righteous or uncoachable, and, wow, that is obnoxious. I'm lucky people have been able to get past this and still want to be around me. I need tough critics in my life. They are the impetus of my healthiest and most powerful growing. I will practice making it easier to bring my faults to light.

There is a different kind of critic, who I will never be great at tolerating. These are the people who seem to enjoy making you hurt. A colleague, who I thought for years was a friend, called me about a month before the election for union president. He said he had some questions for me before he could vote. I was thrilled anyone would take such an interest. I knew how smart he was and always trusted his insight...until that conversation.

He asked what I planned to do about the perception out there that I was a "dim light." I was so surprised by this question that I actually asked him what he meant by "dim light," (making myself seem even dimmer, I'm sure). He told me many of our members thought I was a little dense and asked again how I planned to deal with that. I never would have thought anyone saw me that way. I am not always super on top of what's going on, but if I want or need to, I figure it out with relative ease and deeper understanding than even I thought I was capable. I also don't mind being "dumb" about stuff I don't care about. I told him I was not aware of that perception, and that if it were true, I imagine I simply would not be elected. I reminded him that I was not running because I wanted or needed to be president, I was running because other smart, respectable union leaders believed I was ready and capable and the best person for the job at the time. I was proud of how I handled it, but when I hung up after many more minutes of strange interrogation, I sobbed quietly, alone in my classroom. Then I let that stupid conversation make me doubt myself. I had nightmares. I began hoping I would lose the election. Unfortunately, during my 3 years as president, this person picked on me many more times without warrant. He even did so via public emails and fliers that included outright lies about me.

It never really got easier, and it was not the last time I let his betrayals bring me to tears, but I did get better and better at handling it, and I learned some nice things about myself through his attempts to disgrace me. I learned to accept and fully embrace what I knew about myself... that I was good, that I was worthy of trust, that I tried to be graceful with everyone...even those who were not so with me. I learned to accept, finally, that I was not, nor ever had to be, what someone else believed.