95+ degrees
Laura and I flew to Florida in June to be with a typically powerhouse-of-a-friend who was overwhelmed and suffering. On day two, after hours of girlfriend talking and listening and laughing and crying and venting, the heat and a personal nagging to be still drove me into my hotel room for many hours:
It's evening, and I can finally stand to be outside after hiding in our hotel room for the past 5 hours. I'm learning about myself. During this quest to bring peace to our Linda who is suffering, I am struggling to keep peace in my own (whose??) emerging newness. So I left my sweet, beauty-filled girls in order to ground myself in my own central goodness...or whatever that core is. I am embracing my selfishness, as I for sure have come to terms with the truth that it is more selfish and unhealthy to ignore your
self for anyone else's sake...especially when you begin to feel the need to be still. I am grateful I am beginning to recognize when the need to be still is real, and that I am able to listen to it more often.
In my stillness, I notice that some judgmental and unhealthy rightousness continues to lurk around in my energy. As much as I want to be free of that fake superiority, it shows up and disguises itself as
good samaritan or even
saintly hero. Yuck. Who am I? Alone. All puffy with my over-sized EAGLE-EGO, and then?... I am empty, but not exactly, because if I could just empty myself of my "self," then that good center, that absolute and gentle understanding, will always be there. Always. Always, And always.
