A Stolen Sping Day 4/1/2006

Bob and I managed to sneak a day just for us.  We layed in bed until 11ish... well, to be fair, I snuck out to Walgreens for a pregnancy test (not pregnant), quilted for an hour, and then rejoined my love for some much needed snuggle-bonding.  We decided to take a drive to the Lighthouse Mall in Michigan City.  The day is a sunny-upper 40s-sweatshirt-chilly-but-still-smells-like-spring day.  Birds were especially silly this morning.  It made me laugh to listen to them.  They, along with this weather, always reminds me of Saugatuck and fourteen.  We ate lunch at Chili's and I smiled at Bob the way I used to, and he said, "There's my Gigi's smile!" I must smile at him the way he deserves more often.  He should never be surprised to see it.
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Note: This weekend I was laughing outloud at the nutjob birds and the earnestness in their songs.  I thought it was the first time I ever noticed how excited they were, like the rest of us, about the break in the weather.  It was interesting to read this old entry and find that I have been listening and noticing for a while.

Patti Magic 3/9/2006

Patti Brucki is magic.  She is a superhero of our schools--a healer of hearts--the most genuine humanitarian librarian.  In this awesomely psychic way, she knows exactly when someone is hurting or struggling, and she does the exact perfect thing, right exactly when the person needs it...even when that person has no idea how to say: "today I am especially vulnerable...my emotions are exposed and raw...will someone please help me cover them so they stop hurting for a few seconds...so I can breathe?"  How do you thank someone big enough for that?

The Worst Day of My Life 11/14/2005

Salem.

Sister Bay 8/?/2005

Door County - Sister Bay - Drink Coffee Cafe - 7 am

This latte is perfect.  I spilled a bunch on my way to the outdoor tables and almost cried over the loss.  Bob and Zack are sleeping at the hotel, and I snuck out for a walk.  This quiet time, all to myself, is a newly discovered joy.  Growing up in a 4 sister family, it never occurred to me to seek alone time.  In fact, for so long, I thought I didn't like being alone.  It's funny when we find out how little we know ourselves. The sound of a jogger's feet hitting the sidewalk happily distracts me from that thought.  A few cars roll past and the seagulls call out to try to wake their human crumb-throwers.  Oh, yum; this coffee!  Today I hope we find some mopeds to rent.

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Note: We did, indeed, find mopeds that day, (I was manifesting unawares) and it was those very mopeds that led Bob and I to purchase our own scooters a few years later.  (Scooters who received names the day we fell in love with them, and who will be highlighted in many journals to come.)  Our scooters bring us ridiculous joy and gave us another thing in common after over 10 years.  It is a beautiful blessing to find something new to share with an old friend.

On Becoming President... 5/11/2005

Sometimes people are mean.  How does one go about growing a thicker skin? Is there some kind of lotion I could use?  Or a class I could attend? Some mean people have no power over me, but the people who I've grown to trust and care about, when they bite, even just a little...my skin just tears away.  Yet, I do not protect myself, I never stop allowing my skin to be exposed.  I must want to be vulnerable.  I must enjoy being ripped apart.  Why the hell do I let it happen?  Over dumb little stuff too, like, "I consider this one to be a flea."  Well, aren't you the expert on knowing what's what?  Did you forget, though, that I am not?  That I am an infant when it comes to this kind of work, and I need just a little reassurance? I feel like a child with emotionally unavailable parents.  I can't even blame them.  They should be unavailable---they've been beat up and lied to and shit on.  Maybe they think I'm an idiot.  Maybe they don't trust me all of a sudden.  Am I untrustworthy?  The "dim" light?  The big joke?  I only want to be decent and do the next right thing.  Am I too dependent? Not dependent enough? Paranoid? I want to go home and hug Zack and be nice to Bob and stare at my tulips and maybe call mom and then watch some senseless TV show and go to bed early with Bob and Moon and Kayto....but I won't do that.  I will go before the Board with people who bite---to pretend I am confident, and say something nice---with anxiety creating more havoc inside my body... maybe even making some cancer---so that my colleagues can all go home and do whatever they want.  Where is my period????  Did this new anxiety feed on that?  I am 21 days late today.

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Special notes:
1. No, I was not pregnant.  It is my firm belief that the presidency sent me into early menopause of which (albeit not the healthiest of things to happen to a person) today, I am quite happy about.
2. The journey to find one's joy is not always magic castles and seasides.
3. These tougher times are the moments we learn the most about what we do not want in our lives.
4. My gratitude for people who do the work of union leadership is immense, and this understanding often brings me joy when I think of those people who have been and are still willing to do these jobs.
5. If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone.

On Running for Association President 3/12/2005

I am living in  fog of nerves and disbelief...I am vice president of TW and running for president of our district union next month.  I can barely believe it's really happening.  I feel like it's someone's bad joke and it will be on me...like the ugly girl being asked to prom by the quarterback as a prank.  Why has it always been so hard for me to accept that I am awesome?  Will these teachers really take me seriously?  Can I handle the shit some of them will surely be slinging?  Am I too sensitive for this?  Please, universe, let me be doing the right thing, and if my people put me in the front, let me never hear the cruelty they speak behind me.  Give me the strength and heart for this race, and even more so (if i am chosen) for the job.  And thank you, for giving me the good sense to balance my joys, my rest, and my challenges.

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--Later that day, on a small, wheeled desk chair,  Zack performed Chair-llet at the KC Craft Show.  He performed chair-abesques, chair-oets, and chair-dabourets.  He made us all laugh madly.  I adore him and the welcome distractions he brings to my life.  Thank you, universe, for always bringing me exactly what I ask for.

Sheryl's Magic Castle

Pulling into Sheryl's  driveway, I am ALWAYS pulled into this perfect scene from a feel-good ending to some syrupy movie, only it's not over--- I get to sit right there in it, and I can feel and breathe and see and smell it for hours --- stuck on pause inside that magical moment when everything is working out just right.  How does she do this?  Radek always working on some awesome project....the kids, Em & Logoosh running and giggling, playing basketball, swimming...Sheryl will inevitably come out the back door with peace hovering all around her like Lucy the dog...and Big Daddy Mo is picture-perfectly working the vast territory of his back yard, or basking in some sun-puddle...sometimes Lutek is here working synchronistically with Radek like they are one person -- one time traveler who met up with his younger self to hang out and build something.  Zack and I thrive here.  We come selfishly lapping up the luxury they have created and filling out pockets for later.

My "Old Dirt Hill" 6/6/2005

Today I am waiting for an oil change at the Toyota dealership in South Holland with the Coming to America greasy head stains above each seat in the waiting room.  It makes me laugh out loud because it's funny-gross.


My favorite song right now is "Old Dirt Hill" by Dave Matthews Band. It fills me with joy and gets me all nostalgic for those days when finding your favorite sweatshirt jacket was your greatest worry.  My "old dirt hill" was: Mt. Baldy, singing outrageous swear songs, the Adventurer's Club, Uncle Jim O's drum set, smokin' in the blue dinghy on the Kalamazoo River with Jen, the Bloody Boob and the funhouse at Lion's Park, Lan-Oak pool and ice skating, Lynwood Roller Rink, building forts in the field across the street, Charlie's Angels, kick-fights in the hallway, Barbies and "school" in the basement, belting out REO Speedwagon wearing HUGE headsets on the floor in the family room, Mom's Bridge Club, Ice Cream @ Round the Corner, Tony Decavitch and Lan's Theater, Crab Sandwiches on English muffins, makin' out in the Winnebago, walking the trestle...to have the run of the land and a whole lot of "old dirt hills" fills a soul with crazy joy.  "Yeah, bring that beat back to me again."